22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.