I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”