The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.