Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster