Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.