@KevinFarzad: Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
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@thenatewolf: ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck. CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
@EyeSeeYou619: "Screw it, I'm a mermaid now" ~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants
@midnitesoc: "The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
@SuperJuanderer: if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, "STOP DOING THAT!"