Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
You Might Also Like
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.