Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
OH. COME. ON.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish