Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.