*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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RT if you could go either way.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I have so many questions.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today