At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Blew out my flip flop…
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
That’s classic.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.