grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.