Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Yes
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
i’m still crying at this
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks