“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.