Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….