I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
2023 was just a warmup
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”