Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.