GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”