California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
We’re all getting idioter.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth