Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.