@TheTweetOfGod: Great news! Chipotle is giving out thousands of free burritos tomorrow! That means I’ll be seeing thousands of you by this weekend!
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@whippedjelli: if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you've been swimming which is athletic not lazy
@myonlymizztake: *Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there's anything good in there*
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS
@outrrracheous: Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.