Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”