Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
<- sleeps well with others