[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable