Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo