Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
You Might Also Like
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside