Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome