Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer