Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.