Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
True statement👍😏😁
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times