grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton