Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target