[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
This why you should mind your business
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Velcrow
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong