[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me