grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
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Just how popey was the pope today?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee