Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.