[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.