[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
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I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…