We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof