[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Uh oh…
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.