gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.