@tarashoe: gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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@2p2TrollCat: Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
@markleggett: My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?