in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide