Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Snapes on a plane.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.