Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Rambo Rambow
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.