Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE