Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
i wish i could marry a nap
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Ok, but like, how married are you?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”