[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
You Might Also Like
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one