*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
You Might Also Like
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s