@theshamingofjay: Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that's sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that'll turn you on.
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@nice_mustard: what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
@radtoria: Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
@MoistPork: Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
@thepunningman: [hunting] "In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call" [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] "COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"