Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
You Might Also Like
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!