Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off